Lexapro + Bipolar Disorder = Crack

If you are considering prescribing Lexapro, be sure that you are not giving it to a bipolar patient.

Just look at this mood graph. The line represents your mood over an unspecified amount of time.. Lexepro shifts the mood curve upward which is good in some cases but not others.

My Story

Preface

I had (and am still having) a long bout with eye pain due to conditions beyond my control. By the beginning of 2004 it had driven me to such depressive depths that I was seriously considering suicide. Enough people had told me to seek psychiatric help that I gave in and scheduled an appointment with a well-respected psychiatrist.

February 6: Enter Lexapro

In early February of 2004 I saw a psychiatrist who put me on Lexapro because it wouldn't make my dry eye symptoms worse like some of the other SSRIs. I begin taking it and notice an almost immediate improvement in mood. One of the things I specified from the outset of my treatment was that I start these drugs in a supportive environment (which I was not in at the time, nor would be for any of the time I was on Lexapro).

February and March: Flaccid and Confident

Wow, I notice within a month that I am a lot more confident around the opposite sex and can actually initiate conversations with girls!  Suicidal thoughts are greatly reduced (though not eliminated).  I also lose my temper a couple of times. One of the biggest things I notice is that I am less dependent on people's company for my happiness. When I see a good friend, there is no spike in happiness like there was before the meds.

I noticed at really depressing moments (like when the washing machine started making those banging sounds) that the antidepressant seemed to kick in and numb the effect of the moment.

March 19: Journal Entry approximately 6 weeks after starting Lexapro

ok, i have been on SSRI depression meds [Lexapro] for a little over a month

my theory on them is that they are like those Audio CD scratch repair kits you can get at Best Buy.. from what i have heard, many of these products are kind of a band-aide solution that work by smoothing out the pits and valleys in the CD so the laser inside of more forgiving players will recognize more of the signal.. the sound quality degrades a little but you lose the skipping

these meds are Ambesol for the mind.. you still know there is so much wrong, but you are kept from feeling it is much and as often..

other things i have begun to notice

• i am doing somewhat better than i once was, but larger gains have come in externals than in actuality.. i think the meds have some kind of Botox effect where they make you look more sprightly, sometimes against your will
• perhaps the fact that i appear to be doing better is the best thing that has happened because that causes people (especially strangers) to treat me better
• it is much easier to be fake, finding ways to stroke egos and other snakelike things
• i expect people i know to treat me with a level of decency.. i always expected this but put up with a lot of crap because i couldn't stand to lose certain friendships
• i am less dependent on relationships.. i think this is a bad thing, but a necessary adaptation in the cold cruel world we have been thrown in.. i think interdependence is a good thing
• my gestures show me as more and more of an asshole.. i'm more likely to encroach upon others' personal space
• i like the Butthole Surfers, Weird Revolution (if you've never heard the album, you probably don't want to)
• i am much more apt to babble on more use more complicated words incorrectly
• though i am less depressed, i am also less inhibited, which means i am even less likely to feel shame upon an incident of abnormality.. i am more likely to lose my temper.. it may well be that i lose my job by starting (and trying to finish) a fight in the cafeteria as opposed to being axed out of some penny-pinching CFO's budget
• i think about suicide a lot less, but i think it would be a whole lot easier for me to commit suicide if i was pushed far enough
• i am more ditzy.. my thoughts skip intermediate points many times, i assume i do small things which i didn't actually do.. like writing a sentance and omitting the word "to" because it is so obvious that it shouldn't have to be specified in writing
• i can work more, even though the [chronic pain level] #'s haven't come down as much as i would have liked them to.. i am not bothered as much by physical problems
• i actually had this delusion that going on antidepressants would make me get along with people better.. (because so many of them were so happy and plastic)..

i think what is happening is that i am unraveling, my bitterness is turning into open-faced anger which i have to find extremely creative and subversive ways to express

April: Crazy Ideas Phase

lepton's Try It Yourself - Can HAL tell you which author a message is coming from?

I'm too lazy to do it, but i figure some of you probably have more energy than i do.

What's needed:

* Microsoft Outlook (the Outlook that comes with Office, not Outlook Express)
* A primary and spare e-mail account
* SpamBayes e-mail filter (if you already have it installed, you will need a fresh untrained version)
* HTML or Text versions of articles from two of your favorite writers (the more content the better, but try to send roughly the same amount from each author)

What to do:

* Install SpamBayes on top of Outlook
* Make sure this is a fresh copy of SpamBayes (ie. you haven't trained it with any messages)
* Set up your spare e-mail account on Outlook (you may also set up your primary account there, but this is optional)
* From your primary account, send out individual articles from the first author to your spare account.. You will want to put the author's name in the title of the e-mail
* Now do this sending using the second author's articles (remember to indicate the author's name in the title)
* Check your spare account.. select all the e-mail messages from the first author and mark them as Spam, using the SpamBayes toolbar.
* Send one additional article by either of the two authors (using your primary account)
* When you receive this article, select Check Spam Clues.. You should see a percentage near the top of the listing.. if this percentage is near 100, the computer thinks the article is from the first author.. if the percentage is near 0, it thinks the message is from the second author
* You can send more than one additional article and try this exercise again and clean out the SpamBayes database by resetting the training

you can now pull off this feat easier using 2 computers, each with a separate copy of the new Thunderbird email client

Monday, April 19, 2004: Take 2 for Incremental Undo

By accident I take two Lexapro in the morning. I come up with the idea of controlling a computer using the iPod and scroll wheel. I come up with the idea of incremental undo and think it's revolutionary (though now I realize it's just a feature absent in most programs because it would be too hard to code).

Early May

For some reason, I begin waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning and not going back to sleep (this may have.had something to do with Ambien, which is a drug that gives you the feeling you've had a really good sleep). This is totally unusual for me as I am normally a night owl who sleeps in.

Sunday, May 16: On the way down

This was the first day I noticed something was seriously wrong with me. After church that morning I was short of breath and felt like I was being haunted by ghosts. My behavior was erratic, at the church picnic I was blabbing on about writing an article for a tabloid about someone who attempted to reinvent the wheel and failed. And it was about this time I thought I was being haunted by spirits.

journal entry: My mind is overclocking and it's doing not-so-good things to me..

e-mail to my dad:

i have been quite sick this weekend, and i am not very happy, and when i am
depressed, many times i devote myself to pursuing completely impossible
goals like reinventing the wheel or architecting a presidential race ( i
have found that the thing these two have in common is Montezuma).. that way,
when i fail, i don't feel so bad!

Monday, May 18

My parents knew something was wrong and scheduled me in for a psychiatrist's appointment on Wednesday.

Wednesday, May 19: A Day Late

By this time I was completely out of it. I went into work but could not write numbers and add them up on my timecard. I see a psychiatrist who prescribe me tons of medication which I end up not taking. I am too far gone.

Thursday, May 20 - Nut job placement services

My parents come down and by this time I am spewing nonsense on and off the computer. I am diagnosed as your average nutcase, claiming revolutionary ideas, being haunted by spirits, etc..

Friday, May 21

12AM: For some reason, around midnight I have this feeling of euphoria (i don't think normal people can get this feeling without taking crack or ecstasy).

7AM: Tastes Great AND Less Filling.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, but when you're really a nut, you think you're completely sane. By Friday morning, I knew something wasn't right. I was wandering around the local store trying to get in and buy Miller Lite (but the store wasn't open so I couldn't) and I happened to run across a cop in the parking lot. I tapped on his window and asked for a breathalyzer. I told him I was so drunk that I knew a way to show that Miller Lite tasted great and was less filling. After investigating my case and finding me stone cold sober but completely off-the-rocker, they took me to the hospital. Once there I continued to earn my keep as loony by drinking piss.

My parents transported me to a mental ward of another hospital closer to home. I do not really remember the next five days.

Sunday, May 23

The doctors had no clue what was going on. I was on all the staple insanity-killing meds (Zyprexa, Geodon). My parents took me off Lexapro this day.

June 1 (and after)

I am finally released from the hospital but am so drugged-up I can't really do anything. The drugs basically kill the imagination so there are no crazy fantasies to cling to.

Permanent Effects of Lexapro

The only permanent effect Lexapro has had on me is ma loss of virility. They say that the sexual side effects only happen while on the drug, but I am just as bad now as I was on the drug. I am sure this is not the case for most patients, but this is not a story of a typical patient.

Permanent Effects of this Incident

I no longer have control of my health and cannot go on depression medications since I do not have a job. My career has been ruined because I have been out of the job market for too long.

NEW! The Bipolar Express: A web comic about life and bipolar disorder.

Lexapro Stories From Other People [ remedyfind.com ]

Chris Roller - exhibits symptoms similar to mine

lepton